Paanong nagagawa ng isang tao na mabago ka nang hindi niya kailanman nalalaman? Maraming salamat sa distansya, oras at siguro sa matindi kong self-preservation. Pati na rin siguro sa sarili kong kaduwagan. Matagal ko rin palang ininda yung kadiring lungkot dati.

Sa palagay ko, alam ko na ang isusulat ng doktor sa death records ko kapag namatay na ako.

Cause of death: Bad timing and/or recurrent awkwardness as a person.

Kailan kaya matatapos itong musmos kong kadramahan?

Anyway, trabaho, dumating ka na pls. Damang-dama ko na ang kawalan ko ng kwenta bilang mamamayang Pilipino. Sayang naman yung lampas isang dekadang pagpapaaral sa akin ng estado o.

Napapagitnaan ng adult coloring books yung Jadine scrapbook sa Booksale. Alam na kung anong binili ko.

Wala. Kasi wala akong pera.

Road to abs 2015

1. Magja-jogging dapat ako this week kaya lang umuulan eh.
2. Kanin for every meal, including merienda.
3. Kakain kahit hindi gutom.
4. Okey na 'tong one-minute plank, hope for the best na lang.
5. Matutulog pagkatapos kumain nang marami.

Aaminin ko, kahit obvious naman - may pagka-hopeless romantic din ako (lahat din naman ng tao, asus).

[EDIT 4] Tatlong stages ng biglaang apprehension

Sobrang dami kong apprehensions bigla tungkol sa future. Tangina ng mga kapatid ko.

[EDIT] Tangina gago OA ba ako tangina ng mga kapatid ko tangina ng buhay hindi ko naiintindihan. Ganitong klase ba ang pag-iintindi na ginagawa ng nanay ko kasi tangina mukha ngang nakaka-cause ng biglaang pagnenerbyos. Tangina gago OA nga siguro ako pero kasi may basehan naman ang katanginahan na ito eh.

[EDIT 2] Okey hindi na ako umiiyak medyo kalmado na ako wew. Tangina kasi bumalik na naman yung mga ganitong pag-iisip dahil sa pag-o-oathtaking kanina eh. Hindi bale, mga tiga-Lithuania and other random countries lang naman ang nagviview ng blog na ito sabi ng blogspot. Sa mga tiga-Pilipinas na nagview nito, nananalig akong hindi niyo ako kilala.

[EDIT 3] Minsan dapat maniwala ka rin na magiging maayos din naman ang lahat, siguro.

Ang sarap sigurong mamatay na may iiwanang mga alaala na higit pa sa bilang ng naiambag mo sa kung anumang larangan o sa kabutihan mo bilang kapamilya at kaibigan. Yung tipong alaala na yung kagalingan mo bilang anak ng mundo ay may naiambag sa pagpapabuti ng lipunan na ginagalawan mo. Na hindi ka man naging superhero na mag-isang naresolba lahat ng social injustices sa mundo, pero naging isa kang tao na hindi nag-aksaya ng pagkakataon para makatulong sa pagpapaunlad ng buhay ng mga kapwa mo tao.

Apir tayo diyan self!

Sobrang daming pinaglalaban ng mga tao ngayon. Pagkatapos ng lahat, sino ba talagang mananalo at matatalo? Shouldn't we be all in the same team?

---- sabi ng bente anyos na batang hindi pa nakakatikim ng dirty office politics, paninigaw ng boss, pangsa-snatch ng cellphone at wallet, pinagkait na karapatan, (totoong) heartbreak, at iba pang mga realidad ng buhay.

Oo nga 'no

Galing lang ako sa inuman kaninang hatinggabi kaya siguro nang nagising ako ng mga 5AM okay ang pakiramdam ko (pero hindi ang sikmura ko). Kakatapos ko lang din manood ng On the Wings of Love at pagkatapos akong iwanan ng kadiring feelings ng lecheng palabas na 'yan ay napadaan ako sa wordpress blog ng direktor nila, si Tonet Jadaone.

"Minsan kailangan mo lang tumigil, at manahimik, para malaman mong ba’t ang dami mo pang hinihiling at pinangangambahan, ba’t ang dami mo pang tanong, e ang totoo, okey lang naman talaga ang lahat. At sa totoo lang, matagal na.#"

Meron pa rin naman akong mga kaibigan na nakakapagpatawa sa akin. Kaya ko pa rin namang ngitian ang mga mababaw na bagay. Maganda pa rin ang pasok ng liwanag ng araw sa kwarto ko kanina. Kaya for a good minute, sa kabila ng lahat ng kaartehan at pangamba ko, naisip ko: okey na okey pa rin naman pala ang buhay.

credits sa blog ni antoinette jadaone

Mapait ang lasa ng pinaghalo-halong regret, frustration at kawalan ng purpose.

It's been exactly two weeks since the release of the board exams results, which also means that I have been a bum for the same amount of time. Being mostly at home for two weeks with nothing better to do isn't helping my sanity at all; everyday feels like past midnight, a.k.a. the best time to let thoughts storm your conscience, keeping you awake until the first ray of sunlight hits your room. Pero sa akin ngayon, wala nang pinipiling oras ang pagdadrama.

It might be too shallow for a person who has only been on this Earth for a little over two decades to think that life is slowly inching its way to catch up with you, but for two weeks that's all I've been thinking about.

I've been thinking about how I trained myself for the past years to neglect experiences that usually kids of my age have already been through. (Oo tungkol 'to sa love at intimacy) How I have acted strangely open to my friends when in fact I have always consciously tried to build walls around me that I seem to want to stay.

I've been thinking about what if I dared to move out from my course, to actually take time to discover my real passion without thinking of the consequences that might arise. I've been thinking about what if I really let myself be immersed in experiences that UP was trying to offer to its students. I've always dismissed the label "real life" since in my mind, real life is everyday life. But then again, I doubt that I'll ever find myself be in a care-free and controllable situation such as being a student.

I've been thinking about how long I could maintain the spark of optimism that I have cultivated during college, when as early as now I already feel defeated by the society that never feels sorry for itself.

I've been thinking about the future, after my father retires from his job, when my parents begin to weaken due to old age, how I don't see my brothers be anywhere near from success given how they act now, how I've been dismissing the unspoken pressure of being the family member to most likely be successful, when I personally value fulfillment over money. It feels unfair to feel this kind of burden, because they themselves never seemed to strive for it.

I have never felt so trapped before, until now.

"Ang drama mo naman."
"Haha totoo."

Sabi ni Ma'am Lyn Dimaano, kailangan mo munang sumunod sa dinidikta ng paligid mo, because it'll be a painful process if you try to always be yourself. It sounds very flawed, but it presents the difference between being yourself and staying true to yourself. I find the latter much important.

So I guess, at the end of the day, you just have to keep on keeping on. Everyday is a decision; some days will be as simple as what clothes to wear, other days will try to make you weep. Just don't lose yourself in the process.
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Now that I've written the gist of what's in my mind right now, I am finding myself thinking about how I would be laughing at this piece a year later: "Tangina drama mo beh." Sorry na 2016 self, wala pa rin akong trabaho eh.