It's been exactly two weeks since the release of the board exams results, which also means that I have been a bum for the same amount of time. Being mostly at home for two weeks with nothing better to do isn't helping my sanity at all; everyday feels like past midnight, a.k.a. the best time to let thoughts storm your conscience, keeping you awake until the first ray of sunlight hits your room. Pero sa akin ngayon, wala nang pinipiling oras ang pagdadrama.
It might be too shallow for a person who has only been on this Earth for a little over two decades to think that life is slowly inching its way to catch up with you, but for two weeks that's all I've been thinking about.
I've been thinking about how I trained myself for the past years to neglect experiences that usually kids of my age have already been through. (Oo tungkol 'to sa love at intimacy) How I have acted strangely open to my friends when in fact I have always consciously tried to build walls around me that I seem to want to stay.
I've been thinking about what if I dared to move out from my course, to actually take time to discover my real passion without thinking of the consequences that might arise. I've been thinking about what if I really let myself be immersed in experiences that UP was trying to offer to its students. I've always dismissed the label "real life" since in my mind, real life is everyday life. But then again, I doubt that I'll ever find myself be in a care-free and controllable situation such as being a student.
I've been thinking about how long I could maintain the spark of optimism that I have cultivated during college, when as early as now I already feel defeated by the society that never feels sorry for itself.
I've been thinking about the future, after my father retires from his job, when my parents begin to weaken due to old age, how I don't see my brothers be anywhere near from success given how they act now, how I've been dismissing the unspoken pressure of being the family member to most likely be successful, when I personally value fulfillment over money. It feels unfair to feel this kind of burden, because they themselves never seemed to strive for it.
I have never felt so trapped before, until now.
"Ang drama mo naman."
"Haha totoo."
Sabi ni Ma'am Lyn Dimaano, kailangan mo munang sumunod sa dinidikta ng paligid mo, because it'll be a painful process if you try to always be yourself. It sounds very flawed, but it presents the difference between being yourself and staying true to yourself. I find the latter much important.
So I guess, at the end of the day, you just have to keep on keeping on. Everyday is a decision; some days will be as simple as what clothes to wear, other days will try to make you weep. Just don't lose yourself in the process.
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Now that I've written the gist of what's in my mind right now, I am finding myself thinking about how I would be laughing at this piece a year later: "Tangina drama mo beh." Sorry na 2016 self, wala pa rin akong trabaho eh.
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